Couple Time
Topics: Couples
Sometimes it can be tough to maintain couple time with busy schedules and the demands of work and household responsibilities. Prioritizing time together is important for maintaining a positive relationship and quality of life. Although life is busy, both time to yourself and as a couple is important. Research with PSP families has found that maintaining couple time can be difficult due to shiftwork,1,2 but maintaining weekly time to be together as a couple strengthens relationships.3
Skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
1Roth, S.G., & Moore, C. D. (2009). Work-family fit: The impact of emergency medical services work on the family system. Prehospital Emergency Care, 13(4), 462-468. https://doi.org/10.1080/10903120903144791
2Bochantin, J. E. (2016). “Morning fog, spider webs, and escaping from Alcatraz”: Examining metaphors used by public safety employees and their families to help understand the relationship between work and family. Communication Monographs, 83(2), 214-238. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2015.1073853
3Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.
Halpern, D., & Katz, J. E. (2017). Texting’s consequences for romantic relationships: A cross-lagged analysis highlights its risks. Computers in Human Behavior, 71, 386–394. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.01.051
Linnet, J. T. (2011). Money can’t buy me hygge: Danish middle-class consumption, egalitarianism, and the sanctity of inner space. Social Analysis, 55(2), 21–44. https://doi.org/10.3167/sa.2011.550202
The Gottman Institute. (2022). How to turn your relationship goals into habits. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/podcast/
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Communicating Feelings
Topics: Couples
It is important that partners find ways to express their feelings to each other. This can be more challenging for some than others. The ability to recognize emotions and put words to them is important. Openly expressing feelings is vital for a healthy relationship.
Things to consider…
- Listening, showing empathy, and actively trying to understand each other’s feelings.
- Taking responsibility for your own feelings by saying “I feel” or “I’m feeling” instead of “you make me feel”, which puts the responsibility on the other person.
- If emotions are connected to someone else’s behaviour, referring to what was specifically said or done (instead of making it personal). For example,
- If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
“I feel frustrated (feeling) when you leave dirty dishes out (behaviour), because I think you don’t respect the work I just did (interpretation).”
- If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
References for this page (click to expand)
Bourne, E. J. (2020). The anxiety and phobia workbook (7th ed). New Harbinger Publications.
Wilcox, G. (2020). The Feeling Wheel. Positive Psychology Practitioner’s Toolkit. https://www.gnyha.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/The-Feeling-Wheel-Positive-Psycology-Program.pdf
Willcox, G. (1982). The feeling wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274-276. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215378201200411
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Managing Worries About Risk
Topics: Couples
Everybody worries at times. PSP family members may worry about the risks and dangers associated with PSP work. This is understandable. Worries can be helpful, as they can urge preparation and planning for challenging events. However, worries become a problem when they happen a lot, make it hard to focus on other things, and feel like they “spiral” out of control.
Families may find that seeing or hearing certain things increases their worries. This could include hearing about traumatic events on the news, social media, movies or TV, or through conversations. Identifying what increases worries and focusing on not adding “fuel” to these worries can be helpful. It can also be useful to talk as a family about these concerns. Family talks are a chance for PSP family members to share accurate and reliable information about the job. Having these important talks not only reduces worries but also strengthens mutual support for families.
Things to consider…
- Paying attention to what increases worries. These are often issues related to the risks associated with PSP work.
- Discussing together what increases worries or family tension.
- Cutting back on (or cutting out) media that increases worries (e.g., turning off the news, putting phones away).
- Practicing what you can say or not participating in conversations that increase worry (e.g., “I actually don’t want to hear about this.”)
Skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
Sharp, M.-L., Solomon, N., Harrison, V., Gribble, R., Cramm, H., Pike, G., & Fear, N. T. (2022). The mental health and wellbeing of spouses, partners and children of emergency responders: A systematic review. Plos One, 17(6), e0269659. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269659
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Improving Sleep
Topics: Couples
Even though sometimes it can feel impossible to get enough sleep, research shows that adequate sleep is essential to physical and mental health. Lack of sleep is associated with fatigue, mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, irritability), and negative health outcomes. Sleep issues can impact the couple relationship, as one partner’s sleep problem can negatively affect the other partner. Research suggests that sleep difficulties and relationship difficulties often occur together.
Things to consider…
- Learning about sleep to generate ideas about how to improve sleep.
- Prioritizing sleep by cutting out screen-based activities before bed (e.g., watching TV, time on computer/phone) that get in the way of sleep as much as possible.
- Establishing a consistent pre-sleep routine (this could include relaxing stretches, putting pajamas on, brushing teeth, etc.), which can cue the mind that it is time for sleep.
- Consulting with a qualified health care provider if you are experiencing persistent or significant problems with sleep.
Skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
1Hirshkowitz, M., Whiton, K., Albert, S. M., Alessi, C., Bruni, O., DonCarlos, L., Hazen, N., Herman, J., Katz, E. S., Kheirandish-Gozal, L., Neubauer, D. N., O’Donnell, A. E., Ohayon, M., Peever, J., Rawding, R., Sachdeva, R. C., Setters, B., Vitiello, M. V., Ware, J. C., & Adams Hillard, P. J. (2015). National Sleep Foundation’s sleep time duration recommendations: Methodology and results summary. Sleep health, 1(1), 40–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2014.12.010
Bootzin, R. R., & Epstein, D. R. (2011). Understanding and treating insomnia. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 7, 435-458. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.3.022806.091516
Dumont, M. (2019). Coping better with night work: Interactive web tutorial. http://formations.ceams-carsm.ca/night_work/
Lammers-van der Holst, H. M., Murphy, A. S., Wise, J. (2020). Sleep tips for shift workers in the time of pandemic. Southwest Journal of Pulmonary and Critical Care, 20(4), 128-130. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7189699/
Luyster, F. S., Strollo, P. J., Jr., Zee, P. C., & Walsh, J. K. (2012). Sleep: A health imperative. Sleep, 35(6), 727-734. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.1846
National Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from www.thensf.org
Richter, K., Adam, S., Geiss, L., Peter, L., & Niklewski, G. (2016). Two in a bed: The influence of couple sleeping and chronotypes on relationship and sleep. An overview. Chronobiology International, 33(10), 1464-1472. https://doi.org/10.1080/07420528.2016.1220388
Silberman, S. A. (2008). The insomnia workbook: A comprehensive guide to getting the sleep you need. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from: www.sleepfoundation.org
The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (2021). Napping, an important fatigue countermeasure. CDC Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/emres/longhourstraining/napping.html
Troxel W. M. (2010). It’s more than sex: Exploring the dyadic nature of sleep and implications for health. Psychosomatic Medicine, 72(6), 578–586. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181de7ff8
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Problem Solving Together
Topics: Couples
When concerns arise, it can help to ask, “Is there a problem that can be solved here?” If the answer is “yes,” problem solving can help to define the specific problem that you would like to tackle, come up with possible solutions, and make a plan.
Skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
Dattilio, F. M. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians. The Guilford Press.
Dattilio, F. M. & van Hout, G. C. M. (2006). The problem-solving component in cognitive-behavioral couples’ therapy. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 17(1), 1-19. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1300/J085v17n01_01
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Gratitude and Positive Reframing
Topics: Couples
Research has found that gratitude is related to psychological wellbeing and positive social relationships. Gratitude can also prompt the use of positive reframing to recognize positive outcomes when they are present. Being grateful does not mean that you ignore problems or pretend things are better than they are. It is really about giving attention to things that are going well and responding to situations in the best way you can.
Note: It is not recommended that this strategy be used for trauma without the guidance of a qualified mental health professional.
Things to consider…
- Expressing gratitude to a family member or friend.
- Thinking of opportunities instead of hassles when reflecting on an event or situation.
- Answering the following questions:
- What can I learn from this experience?
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Is this situation allowing me to gain new knowledge or practice a new skill?
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Could this be an opportunity to strengthen a relationship?1
skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
1Lambert, L. M., Graham, S. M., & Stillman, T. F. (2009). A changed perspective: How gratitude can affect sense of coherence through positive reframing. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(6): 461–470). https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1080/17439760903157182
2Algoe, S. B., Haidt, J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Beyond reciprocity: Gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion, 8(3), 425–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.8.3.425
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., & Stillman, T. F. (2012). Gratitude and depressive symptoms: The role of positive reframing and positive emotion. Cognition & Emotion, 26(4), 615-633. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2011.595393
Wood, A. M., Froh, J. J., & Geraghty, A. W. A. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: A review and theoretical integration. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 890–905. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.005