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Strategies for Families Strategies for Couples

Couple Time

Topics: Couples

Skill building:

Creating Small Moments Together

Sometimes it can be tough to maintain couple time with busy schedules and the demands of work and household responsibilities. Prioritizing time together is important for maintaining a positive relationship and quality of life. Although life is busy, both time to yourself and as a couple is important. Research with PSP families has found that maintaining couple time can be difficult due to shiftwork,^1,2 but maintaining weekly time to be together as a couple strengthens relationships.³

Things to consider

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Focusing on the quality of time spent together can be helpful. One way to do this is to pay full attention to each other during couple time. Try having your together time in a quiet and/or comfortable environment with limited distractions. You might want to dim the lights and share special food or drinks that you both enjoy. Limiting distractions can enhance intimacy. Be mindful to stay in the present moment and focus on each other. Minimize cell phone use/texting during this time. Constant texting can take focus away from your partner and have a negative impact on intimacy and your romantic relationship.

Intentionally creating positive interactions with each other is another way to enhance time spent together. This can include giving compliments, accommodating each other’s wishes, being cheerful, and/or using humour.

Reflection

Together take a moment to reflect on how much quality time you spend with each other.
What are some ways you can increase quality time with your partner?

Skill building:

Creating Small Moments Together

Creating Small moments together

Take a moment to each write down 5 small things that you enjoy doing with your partner (either on a scrap of paper or take turns using the fillable form below). Don’t show your partner your list quite yet! Your list can include any activity that brings feelings of joy, intimacy, connection, or appreciation. Consider the day-to-day moments that are meaningful to you as a couple. They can be sharing a hug or kiss every day before work or bedtime, having a cup of coffee together, sharing a special meal or drink, going for a walk, talking about your day, etc.

After you have both completed your lists, exchange them. Review your partner’s list and choose one thing that you each would like to commit to doing for one week.

After one week of doing these activities, reflect on the following together:

What was it like prioritizing these moments together over the past week?
What did you learn?
How did you feel during those moments together?
Were there any barriers to making these moments happen?
Going forward, how can you continue with these moments together?
What other activities from the lists would you like to try next or work toward?

Over time, these small moments can become habits that strengthen relationships. Continue to check in with each other at the end of each week to ensure that you prioritize this time together, talk about how things are going, and adjust as needed. Creating small moments doesn’t take much time but it does take effort to develop new habits. It is important for both partners to commit to “small moments” to reap the benefits.

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Download: Creating Small Moments Together

References for this page (click to expand)

¹Roth, S.G., & Moore, C. D. (2009). Work-family fit: The impact of emergency medical services work on the family system. Prehospital Emergency Care, 13(4), 462-468. https://doi.org/10.1080/10903120903144791

²Bochantin, J. E. (2016). “Morning fog, spider webs, and escaping from Alcatraz”: Examining metaphors used by public safety employees and their families to help understand the relationship between work and family. Communication Monographs, 83(2), 214-238. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2015.1073853

³Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Halpern, D., & Katz, J. E. (2017). Texting’s consequences for romantic relationships: A cross-lagged analysis highlights its risks. Computers in Human Behavior, 71, 386–394. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.01.051

Linnet, J. T. (2011). Money can’t buy me hygge: Danish middle-class consumption, egalitarianism, and the sanctity of inner space. Social Analysis, 55(2), 21–44. https://doi.org/10.3167/sa.2011.550202

The Gottman Institute. (2022). How to turn your relationship goals into habits. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/podcast/

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Work and home transitions: Managing uncertainty

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Expectations and support: PSP families in the community Nonstandard hours of work: Out of sync and out of time Requirements of the job: The impact at home Trauma exposure: The ripple effects Work and home transitions: Managing uncertainty Family responsibilities: Role overload

Strategies for Families Strategies for Couples

Communicating Feelings

Topics: Couples

It is important that partners find ways to express their feelings to each other. This can be more challenging for some than others. The ability to recognize emotions and put words to them is important. Openly expressing feelings is vital for a healthy relationship.

Things to consider…

Listening, showing empathy, and actively trying to understand each other’s feelings.
Taking responsibility for your own feelings by saying “I feel” or “I’m feeling” instead of “you make me feel”, which puts the responsibility on the other person.
If emotions are connected to someone else’s behaviour, referring to what was specifically said or done (instead of making it personal). For example,
- If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
  “I feel frustrated (feeling) when you leave dirty dishes out (behaviour), because I think you don’t respect the work I just did (interpretation).”

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Being able to express and talk about how we are feeling takes practice. Reviewing Speaking and Listening Skills can be helpful. Some couples find it easier to communicate about certain emotions compared to others. Consider the following:

Skill building:

Labelling Emotions
Communicating Feelings Checklist
Sharing and Listening Exercise

Labelling emotions

Being aware of our feelings is an important first step in communicating how we feel. Labelling emotions may seem straightforward but can be challenging at times. Finding the right words can help us better understand our emotional experience and help communicate with others.

Sometimes feelings can be complex, and the feeling we immediately identify with and express may be made up of other underlying feelings (e.g., expressing anger when we are scared, hurt, or jealous). Also, we can experience more than one feeling at the same time.

The Feeling Wheel is a tool that can be used to describe feelings in a more detailed and accurate way. It includes six core emotions in the center of the wheel. More detailed emotions related to the core emotions are listed in the middle and outer circles. It does not include all possible feelings, so feel free to make note of any additional feeling words you may want to use.

Give it a try:

Right now, or the next time you’re together as a couple, take a moment to practice focusing your attention on how you are feeling and label the emotion(s).
Use The Feeling Wheel to help pinpoint the word that best fits how you are feeling.
Do this exercise several times over the next few days. Print a copy of The Feeling Wheel or save the image on your phone, so that you will have it handy.

Was labelling your emotions easier or more difficult than you first expected? What did you both learn by practicing the skills of recognizing and labelling emotions?

_{G. Willcox. The Feeling Wheel. Used with permission from The Gottman Institute.}

Expand and Download: The Feeling Wheel

communicating feelings checklist

When it comes to communicating feelings, couples have both strengths and areas that they would like to improve. Communication about emotions takes continuous practice. Taking time to practice effective communication is an investment in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Download: Communicating Feelings Checklist

Both sharing feelings and “just listening” can be surprisingly difficult. To practice both sets of skills, try the following:

Set aside a designated amount of time together each week (e.g., 30-60 minutes) to listen to one another.
For half the time:
- One person shares how they have been feeling throughout the week (remember to focus on your feelings about what’s been happening).
- The other person listens without offering advice or opinions (remember to use active listening skills)
At the halfway mark, switch roles.
After the allotted time, discuss the following:
- How did each of you experience being the speaker? Was it easy or challenging to focus on feelings when sharing?
- How did each of you find being the listener? Was it easy or challenging to actively listen without interrupting?
- What was it like to have each other’s undivided attention when sharing feelings?

_{Exercise adapted from: “Dealing with Feelings” chapter in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook [7th ed.], by Edmund Bourne, Ph.D.}

References for this page (click to expand)

Bourne, E. J. (2020). The anxiety and phobia workbook (7th ed). New Harbinger Publications.

Wilcox, G. (2020). The Feeling Wheel. Positive Psychology Practitioner’s Toolkit. https://www.gnyha.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/The-Feeling-Wheel-Positive-Psycology-Program.pdf

Willcox, G. (1982). The feeling wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274-276. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215378201200411

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