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Goal setting can provide an opportunity to understand priorities and make plans. A plan makes both partners accountable for the outcome. This can be particularly important for PSP couples who have busy schedules and may lose sight of things they hope to achieve. They may want to change habits (e.g., develop a healthier diet), address relationship challenges (e.g., increase couple time), or have long-term plans (e.g., save for retirement). It can be helpful to start with smaller goals (e.g., eating a vegetable with each meal this week) before you take on bigger goals that may require significant change. 

Things to consider…
  • Clarifying what your shared goals are (big and small).
  • Deciding what goals are realistic and negotiating priorities.
  • Writing down goals.
  • Determining the steps you will need to take to achieve goals.
  • Understanding how you will measure progress and success.
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Finding common ground is necessary to reach agreement on which goals will be set. The key is to establish goals together that are clear and specific, measurable, and attainable.  Focus on setting goals that are meaningful and positive (e.g., focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want).

When goals are broader and longer term, taking time to write down specific, measurable steps to attain your goal(s) is important. This allows you to understand the steps, track progress, and achieve success.    

Skill Building:

Goal Setting Together

 

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References for this page (click to expand)

Disabled and Here (photo by Chona Kasinger) https://affecttheverb.com/disabledandhere/ (CC by 4.)

Weber, T., McKeever, J. E., & McDaniel, S. H. (1985). A beginner’s guide to the problem-oriented first family interview. Family Process, 24, 357–364.  https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1985.00357.x

Woods, S.B. (2019). Goal setting in couple and family therapy. In J.L. Lebow, A. L. Chambers, D.C. Breunlin (Eds.), Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy (pp. 1303-1307) . Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8

 

 

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Skill Building:

 

Disagreement and conflict are normal parts of an intimate relationship and learning to resolve conflict in respectful and constructive ways is important for maintaining a healthy relationship. Effective communication is key to managing conflict and allows couples to stay focused on resolving the issue at hand.

 

NOTE:

If conflict resolution is a significant challenge in your relationship or if conflict escalation is a concern, please contact an appropriate support service. The Government of Canada provides a list of resources related to family violence and crisis services at the following link. 

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html      

Things to consider
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Sometimes conflict can become negative and unproductive. Even happy couples will experience conflict where they say things they don’t mean, yell at one another, or shut down. Together, it is essential to figure out ways to effectively “repair” when needed, which means getting things back on track if a conflict is heading in a negative direction.

Using repair strategies that attempt to increase emotional closeness tend to be most helpful, which can include the following: 1,2  

  • vulnerability and self-disclosure (e.g., “I feel…”) 
  • agreeing (e.g., “I agree that …”, “What you’re saying makes sense to me”)  
  • taking responsibility (e.g., “My part in this is…”) 
  • reassurance (e.g., “We’ll figure this out”, “I love you”) 
  • shared humour (e.g., an inside joke you both find funny) 
  • affection (e.g., “I appreciate/admire that you…”) 
  • apologizing (“I’m sorry”, “Let me say that in a gentler way”) 
  • interrupting an escalation (“Let’s start again”, “I need a minute”) 

A foundation of friendship and respect is key.  Taking the time to build and maintain a close, loving relationship helps with effectively managing conflict when it arises. 

Reflection questions
  • As a couple, what helps us feel close and connected?
  • How can we continue to build closeness, intimacy, and a strong friendship? 

Skill Building:

Exploring conflict resolution styles

There are different ways to understand and define conflict resolution styles. Kurdek3 outlined four conflict resolution styles that individuals use when managing disagreement within their relationship. Click on the icons below to view examples of each conflict style:  

Consider these four conflict resolution styles outlined above and discuss the following: 

  • Do you both identify with one (or more) of these styles?  If so, which one(s)?  If not, how would you describe your conflict resolution styles? 
  • How do your conflict resolution styles impact your ability to solve a problem?  How do they impact your relationship? 
  • Are there times when you shift between conflict resolution styles?  Are there times when you use different approaches? 

The next skill building exercise focuses on making a plan to work toward more productive conflict resolution. Keep in mind your individual conflict resolution style(s) when doing the exercise.

Conflict Considerations and planning ahead
reflecting on repair attempts

Below is a questionnaire that provides examples of ways to repair if a conflict gets off track. You may find that some of the statements result in answers of “it depends”, which can be a good opportunity to reflect on your relationship and unique circumstances. Increasing awareness and having conversations about the strategies each of you use (or want to try) when resolving conflict can be helpful in developing healthy and productive approaches.  

Questionnaire created by The Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-repair-attempts-2/ . Used with permission.

 

DOWNLOAD: Repair Attempts Questionnaire 

After you have completed the questionnaire, discuss the following: 

  • What was your experience completing this questionnaire together?  What did you learn (about yourself, about each other, and about how you engage)? 
  • What are your strengths in this area? 
  • Are there other repair attempts that you have found helpful in your relationship that are not included here?  
  • Is there anything you would like to improve upon?  
  • Is there one thing in particular that you would like to focus on as a starting point? 

 

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Benson, K. (2022). Repair is the secret weapon of emotionally connected couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/  

1Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.   

2Gottman, J. M., Driver, J., & Tabares, A. (2015). Repair during marital conflict in newlyweds: How couples move from attack–defend to collaboration. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(2), 85-108. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1038962 

3Kurdek‚ L. A. (1994). Conflict resolution styles in gay‚ lesbian‚ heterosexual nonparent‚ and heterosexual parent couples. Journal of Marriage and Family‚ 56(3)‚ 705-722. https://doi.org/10.2307/352880

Kurdek, L. A. (1995). Predicting change in marital satisfaction from husbands’ and wives’ conflict resolution styles. Journal of Marriage and Family, 57(1), 153-164. https://doi.org/10.2307/353824

The Gottman Institute. (2022). Homework assignment: Repair attempts. https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-repair-attempts-2/ 

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Skill Building:

Sometimes it can be tough to maintain couple time with busy schedules and the demands of work and household responsibilities. Prioritizing time together is important for maintaining a positive relationship and quality of life. Although life is busy, both time to yourself and as a couple is important. Research with PSP families has found that maintaining couple time can be difficult due to shiftwork,1,2 but maintaining weekly time to be together as a couple strengthens relationships.3  

Things to consider

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Focusing on the quality of time spent together can be helpful. One way to do this is to pay full attention to each other during couple time. Try having your together time in a quiet and/or comfortable environment with limited distractions. You might want to dim the lights and share special food or drinks that you both enjoy. Limiting distractions can enhance intimacy. Be mindful to stay in the present moment and focus on each other. Minimize cell phone use/texting during this time. Constant texting can take focus away from your partner and have a negative impact on intimacy and your romantic relationship. 

Intentionally creating positive interactions with each other is another way to enhance time spent together. This can include giving compliments, accommodating each other’s wishes, being cheerful, and/or using humour.  

Reflection

Together take a moment to reflect on how much quality time you spend with each other.
What are some ways you can increase quality time with your partner? 

Skill Building:

Creating Small moments together

Take a moment to each write down 5 small things that you enjoy doing with your partner (either on a scrap of paper or take turns using the fillable form below). Don’t show your partner your list quite yet! Your list can include any activity that brings feelings of joy, intimacy, connection, or appreciation. Consider the day-to-day moments that are meaningful to you as a couple. They can be sharing a hug or kiss every day before work or bedtime, having a cup of coffee together, sharing a special meal or drink, going for a walk, talking about your day, etc.

After you have both completed your lists, exchange them. Review your partner’s list and choose one thing that you each would like to commit to doing for one week.

After one week of doing these activities, reflect on the following together:

  • What was it like prioritizing these moments together over the past week? 
  • What did you learn? 
  • How did you feel during those moments together? 
  • Were there any barriers to making these moments happen? 
  • Going forward, how can you continue with these moments together? 

Over time, these small moments can become habits that strengthen relationships. Continue to check in with each other at the end of each week to ensure that you prioritize this time together, talk about how things are going, and adjust as needed. Creating small moments doesn’t take much time but it does take effort to develop new habits. It is important for both partners to commit to “small moments” to reap the benefits.  

.

Download: Creating Small Moments Together

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1Roth, S.G., & Moore, C. D. (2009). Work-family fit: The impact of emergency medical services work on the family system. Prehospital Emergency Care, 13(4), 462-468. https://doi.org/10.1080/10903120903144791  

2Bochantin, J. E. (2016). “Morning fog, spider webs, and escaping from Alcatraz”: Examining metaphors used by public safety employees and their families to help understand the relationship between work and family. Communication Monographs, 83(2), 214-238. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2015.1073853  

3Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony. 

Halpern, D., & Katz, J. E. (2017). Texting’s consequences for romantic relationships: A cross-lagged analysis highlights its risks. Computers in Human Behavior, 71, 386–394. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.01.051 

Linnet, J. T. (2011). Money can’t buy me hygge: Danish middle-class consumption, egalitarianism, and the sanctity of inner space. Social Analysis, 55(2), 21–44. https://doi.org/10.3167/sa.2011.550202 

The Gottman Institute. (2022). How to turn your relationship goals into habits. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/podcast/ 

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It is important that partners find ways to express their feelings to each other. This can be more challenging for some than others. The ability to recognize emotions and put words to them is important. Openly expressing feelings is vital for a healthy relationship.

 

Things to consider…
  • Listening, showing empathy, and actively trying to understand each other’s feelings.   
  • Taking responsibility for your own feelings by saying “I feel” or “I’m feeling” instead of “you make me feel”, which puts the responsibility on the other person.   
  • If emotions are connected to someone else’s behaviour, referring to what was specifically said or done (instead of making it personal). For example,    
    • If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
      “I feel       frustrated (feeling) when you leave dirty dishes out (behaviour), because I think you don’t respect the work I just did (interpretation).” 
Do you want to know more about this?

Being able to express and talk about how we are feeling takes practice. Reviewing Speaking and Listening Skills can be helpful. Some couples find it easier to communicate about certain emotions compared to others. Consider the following: 

Skill Building:

Labelling emotions

Being aware of our feelings is an important first step in communicating how we feel. Labelling emotions may seem straightforward but can be challenging at times. Finding the right words can help us better understand our emotional experience and help communicate with others.  

Sometimes feelings can be complex, and the feeling we immediately identify with and express may be made up of other underlying feelings (e.g., expressing anger when we are scared, hurt, or jealous). Also, we can experience more than one feeling at the same time. 

The Feeling Wheel is a tool that can be used to describe feelings in a more detailed and accurate way. It includes six core emotions in the center of the wheel. More detailed emotions related to the core emotions are listed in the middle and outer circles. It does not include all possible feelings, so feel free to make note of any additional feeling words you may want to use.  

Give it a try: 

  • Right now, or the next time you’re together as a couple, take a moment to practice focusing your attention on how you are feeling and label the emotion(s).  
  • Use The Feeling Wheel to help pinpoint the word that best fits how you are feeling.
  • Do this exercise several times over the next few days. Print a copy of The Feeling Wheel or save the image on your phone, so that you will have it handy.   

Was labelling your emotions easier or more difficult than you first expected? What did you both learn by practicing the skills of recognizing and labelling emotions?

G. Willcox. The Feeling Wheel. Used with permission from The Gottman Institute.

Expand and Download: The Feeling Wheel

communicating feelings checklist

When it comes to communicating feelings, couples have both strengths and areas that they would like to improve. Communication about emotions takes continuous practice. Taking time to practice effective communication is an investment in maintaining a healthy relationship.  

 

Download: Communicating Feelings Checklist

sharing and listening exercise

Both sharing feelings and “just listening” can be surprisingly difficult. To practice both sets of skills, try the following:  

  1. Set aside a designated amount of time together each week (e.g., 30-60 minutes) to listen to one another.  
  2. For half the time:
    • One person shares how they have been feeling throughout the week (remember to focus on your feelings about what’s been happening).  
    • The other person listens without offering advice or opinions (remember to use active listening skills)
  3. At the halfway mark, switch roles.  
  4. After the allotted time, discuss the following: 
    • How did each of you experience being the speaker? Was it easy or challenging to focus on feelings when sharing?
    • How did each of you find being the listener? Was it easy or challenging to actively listen without interrupting?
    • What was it like to have each other’s undivided attention when sharing feelings? 

Exercise adapted from: “Dealing with Feelings” chapter in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook [7th ed.], by Edmund Bourne, Ph.D.

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References for this page (click to expand)

Bourne, E. J. (2020). The anxiety and phobia workbook (7th ed). New Harbinger Publications.

Wilcox, G. (2020). The Feeling Wheel. Positive Psychology Practitioner’s Toolkit. https://www.gnyha.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/The-Feeling-Wheel-Positive-Psycology-Program.pdf  

Willcox, G. (1982). The feeling wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274-276. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215378201200411 

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Skill Building:

Everybody worries at times. PSP family members may worry about the risks and dangers associated with PSP work. This is understandable. Worries can be helpful, as they can urge preparation and planning for challenging events. However, worries become a problem when they happen a lot, make it hard to focus on other things, and feel like they “spiral” out of control.
Families may find that seeing or hearing certain things increases their worries. This could include hearing about traumatic events on the news, social media, movies or TV, or through conversations. Identifying what increases worries and focusing on not adding “fuel” to these worries can be helpful. It can also be useful to talk as a family about these concerns. Family talks are a chance for PSP family members to share accurate and reliable information about the job. Having these important talks not only reduces worries but also strengthens mutual support for families.

 

Things to consider…
  • Paying attention to what increases worries. These are often issues related to the risks associated with PSP work.  
  • Discussing together what increases worries or family tension.    
  • Cutting back on (or cutting out) media that increases worries (e.g., turning off the news, putting phones away). 
  • Practicing what you can say or not participating in conversations that increase worry (e.g., “I actually don’t want to hear about this.”) 
Do you want to know more about this?

If you are experiencing significant worry or anxiety that interferes with your day-to-day life (e.g., work, relationships, sleep, or other important parts of your life), it is recommended that you consult your health care provider. For additional information about anxiety visit: Anxiety Canada.

Free, internet-delivered cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) courses for managing anxiety, as well as other mental health concerns, are available for both PSP and SSOs (spouses or significant others)  who live in Canada. For more information, click here.

Skill building:
Discussing Concerns

Couples might find it helpful to set aside time to have an open conversation about worries. This can include discussing feelings and asking questions and learning about the PSP’s job, the risks involved, and information about PSP training and safety protocols.  

It may be useful to consider the following story about Chantal and Jean-Paul. They are fictional characters, but their story comes from real experiences that PSP families have shared. This story begins early in the relationship and illustrates some of the worries and challenges that PSP couples can face.  As you watch the video below (around 4 minutes) about Chantal and Jean-Paul, consider your own story, the changes that have occurred, and the ways you have adjusted to this way of life.


Reflection

Think about your own story and the way you have adapted to this way of life.

  • What is working?
  • Are there areas for improvement?

Consider changes that could make things better and share with your partner. It can be helpful to revisit these questions every few months, as people and situations change. 

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Sharp, M.-L., Solomon, N., Harrison, V., Gribble, R., Cramm, H., Pike, G., & Fear, N. T. (2022). The mental health and wellbeing of spouses, partners and children of emergency responders: A systematic review. Plos One, 17(6), e0269659. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269659

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Even though sometimes it can feel impossible to get enough sleep, research shows that adequate sleep is essential to physical and mental health. Lack of sleep is associated with fatigue, mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, irritability), and negative health outcomes. Sleep issues can impact the couple relationship, as one partner’s sleep problem can negatively affect the other partner. Research suggests that sleep difficulties and relationship difficulties often occur together.  

 

 

Things to consider…
  • Learning about sleep to generate ideas about how to improve sleep.
  • Prioritizing sleep by cutting out screen-based activities before bed (e.g., watching TV, time on computer/phone) that get in the way of sleep as much as possible.
  • Establishing a consistent pre-sleep routine (this could include relaxing stretches, putting pajamas on, brushing teeth, etc.), which can cue the mind that it is time for sleep.
  • Consulting with a qualified health care provider if you are experiencing persistent or significant problems with sleep.
Do you want to know more about this?

The recommended amount of sleep is 7-9 hours/night for healthy adults, although the optimal amount of sleep can vary depending on the person.1 The environment, daily habits, and pre-sleep routines can have an impact on amount and quality of sleep. See Skill Building below for information to support better sleep.  

Life can get busy and it’s sometimes hard to find the time to get adequate sleep.

Many of the tips provided in the Skill Building section can still be useful during short-term periods with limited sleep to help you get the most out of the time you have.  

If your sleep problems are associated with concerns such as stress, anxiety, or low mood, please click here for additional information about the Spouse Wellbeing Course (for spouses or significant others of PSP). This is a free, self-guided course for managing stress and various mental health concerns, as well as offering additional information and strategies to help improve sleep.

Getting enough sleep can be especially challenging for those who work rotating shifts, night shifts, or on-call shifts.  

  • More information and tips for shiftworkers coming soon.
  • Click here for a free, interactive web tutorial for night workers, developed by Dr. Marie Dumont.
REFLECTION

Skill Building:

Tips for better sleep

The following exercise is designed to help both partners identify good sleep habits and areas for improvement. Being aware of habits that benefit (or interfere with) sleep is an important step in supporting better sleep.  

This exercise can be done individually or together. If completing this together, each of you can take a turn answering the questions on the slides below and discuss afterward. Sleep information and tips will be provided. (Note: some of the information and tips may need to be adjusted for those who work shift work.) 

Below, there are 17 questions about your sleep habits. Answer the question on each slide by clicking either “yes” or “no” or skip a slide that is not applicable to you by pressing the right arrow at the bottom of the slide. Suggestions will appear regarding the benefits of certain habits, however, there are no right or wrong answers. Some suggestions may not be practical depending on your circumstances.

At the end of the activity, a summary is provided with your answers. You can print this summary by clicking on the print icon located on the bottom of the activity. Think about the questions that you answered “no” to, is there anything that you can change to improve your sleep habits? You can use the summary to set goals.

 

Steps for setting sleep goals
  1. Review your summary or consider the other sleep information and resources provided.
  2. Choose a goal(s) related to improving your sleep that you would like to focus on this week. Start small – you can work up to bigger changes over time.
  3. Discuss with your partner ways that you can support each other’s goals.
  4. In two weeks, check in with each other to see if the changes made were helpful and consider your next step to work toward better sleep.

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1Hirshkowitz, M., Whiton, K., Albert, S. M., Alessi, C., Bruni, O., DonCarlos, L., Hazen, N., Herman, J., Katz, E. S., Kheirandish-Gozal, L., Neubauer, D. N., O’Donnell, A. E., Ohayon, M., Peever, J., Rawding, R., Sachdeva, R. C., Setters, B., Vitiello, M. V., Ware, J. C., & Adams Hillard, P. J. (2015). National Sleep Foundation’s sleep time duration recommendations: Methodology and results summary. Sleep health, 1(1), 40–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2014.12.010 

Bootzin, R. R., & Epstein, D. R. (2011). Understanding and treating insomnia. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 7, 435-458.  https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.3.022806.091516 

Dumont, M. (2019). Coping better with night work: Interactive web tutorial. http://formations.ceams-carsm.ca/night_work/

Lammers-van der Holst, H. M., Murphy, A. S., Wise, J. (2020). Sleep tips for shift workers in the time of pandemic. Southwest Journal of Pulmonary and Critical Care, 20(4), 128-130. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7189699/    

Luyster, F. S., Strollo, P. J., Jr., Zee, P. C., & Walsh, J. K. (2012). Sleep: A health imperative. Sleep, 35(6), 727-734. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.1846 

National Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from www.thensf.org  

Richter, K., Adam, S., Geiss, L., Peter, L., & Niklewski, G. (2016). Two in a bed: The influence of couple sleeping and chronotypes on relationship and sleep. An overview. Chronobiology International, 33(10), 1464-1472. https://doi.org/10.1080/07420528.2016.1220388 

Silberman, S. A. (2008). The insomnia workbook: A comprehensive guide to getting the sleep you need. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.  

Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from: www.sleepfoundation.org  

The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (2021). Napping, an important fatigue countermeasure. CDC Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/emres/longhourstraining/napping.html  

Troxel W. M. (2010). It’s more than sex: Exploring the dyadic nature of sleep and implications for health. Psychosomatic Medicine, 72(6), 578–586. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181de7ff8 

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Skill Building:

 

When concerns arise, it can help to ask, “Is there a problem that can be solved here?” If the answer is “yes,” problem solving can help to define the specific problem that you would like to tackle, come up with possible solutions, and make a plan.

 

Things to consider…

Working through a problem using the problem-solving steps below:

To start, practice these steps with simple everyday issues, then try these skills with more challenging problems.

Do you want to know more about this?

Problem-solving steps can be done individually or as a couple. Practicing problem-solving skills can help navigate current issues and prevent future problems. When there are multiple problems to be solved, it is often better to tackle them one at a time.

When deciding to problem solve as a couple, consider what is required:

  • Motivation and willingness by both partners
  • Acknowledgment and agreement by both partners that there is a problem to be solved
  • Collaboration throughout the process
  • Effective communication (see Speaking and Listening Skills)
  • Negotiation (being open to compromise, with both partners considering and weighing options calmly and thoughtfully)
Reflection

It can be helpful to think back to times when you have successfully problem solved together. How were you able to do this? What worked well for you as a couple?

Skill building:
Exploring Problems and Solutions Together

When we are looking at problems, we don’t always get it right. Quick fixes don’t always address the bigger issues. For instance, cleaning up pee stains on the carpet won’t help if you don’t house train your pet. It can be helpful for couples to reflect on their current challenges, understand each other’s perspective, and explore possible solutions together.

Aliyah and Wong are a PSP couple that is experiencing some significant but not uncommon challenges. As you watch their story, think about some of the issues that they are facing and reflect on the questions at the end.

Date night planning

 

Planning date nights can be challenging, particularly for PSP couples with nonstandard schedules. The upside is that it can be a great way to practice problem-solving skills and also enjoy some couple time!

To give it a try, make a commitment together to plan a date night (or date morning/afternoon) at least once a week for the next month. The dates do not have to be big outings – at-home dates count too –  so start with plans that are easier for you to make work. To begin, try the following:

  • Designate a time when you can plan the dates together
  • Have your calendars/schedules handy
  • As you begin to plan, make note of any problems that arise (e.g., conflicting schedules, childcare, fatigue, finances, etc.)
  • Focus on one problem at a time and work through the problem-solving steps together

After you have successfully negotiated your weekly date, take time to reflect on your experience problem solving together:

  • What did you find helpful?
  • What challenges came up when working through this process?
  • What did you learn?

After one month, how did you do? You may want to continue scheduling date nights or come up with other ways to spend quality time together. Taking opportunities to practice problem solving as a couple is a way to improve these skills and strengthen your relationship.

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References for this page (click to expand)

Dattilio, F. M. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians. The Guilford Press.

Dattilio, F. M. & van Hout, G. C. M. (2006). The problem-solving component in cognitive-behavioral couples’ therapy. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 17(1), 1-19. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1300/J085v17n01_01

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Strategies for Families Strategies for Couples

Skill Building:

Partners in couple relationships want to be there for each other. When exposure to injury, violence, death, or human suffering is a part of the job for one or both partners, offering support can be difficult. The effects of trauma exposure can linger for PSP after they leave work. It can be challenging to discuss trauma exposure in ways that support the wellbeing of both partners. Setting ground rules about the timing, amount of detail, and frequency of these types of conversations can be helpful.  

 

Things to consider…
  • Sharing the details of traumatic work-related events may not be helpful for PSP or SSOs (spouses or significant others).
  • Deciding what to share about work-related information can depend on timing, the past experiences of each partner, and their emotional states at the time.
  • Focusing on connecting with each other rather than the details of traumatic events can benefit both partners.
  • Being sensitive during conversations can support both partners to navigate difficult experiences.
  • Attending to wellbeing (personal, couple, and family) and connecting with support outside the family when needed.

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Indirect trauma exposure can occur when learning about a traumatic event that has happened to someone else. It can also happen to someone who provides support to a person who has been traumatized. The following table outlines signs and symptoms of indirect trauma. It is important to recognize these effects in ourselves and in others.  

Experiencing a few of these symptoms for a short period of time may not be anything to worry about. However, if these symptoms persist and interfere with day to day activities, consultation with a mental health professional is recommended.

Note. Adapted from Preventing secondary traumatic stress disorder. In C.R. Figley (Ed.). Compassion fatigue: Coping with secondary traumatic stress disorder in those who treat the traumatized (1st ed.) (p. 169) by J. Yassen, 1995, Brunner Mazel. Adapted with author’s permission. 

Skill Building:

Having a discussion about what to Share

When it comes to talking about work-related traumatic events, setting boundaries about what to share and what not to share can help. Some couples find that not sharing the details about traumatic events is most helpful for them, while other couples have ground rules for sharing.  It is important that you work together to establish boundaries that work for your relationship. Revisiting and renegotiating boundaries may also be needed as things change, particularly when a significant event has occurred or when there is noticeable tension that cannot be accounted for.

 

Working through these questions together can increase awareness of each partner’s experience, needs, and ways they feel supported. Open communication requires sensitivity and mutual respect for differences. Also keep in mind that situations and people change, and it may be useful to revisit this exercise in 6 months or a year. 

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References for this page (click to expand)

CIPSRT (2020). Glossary of Terms Vicarious Traumatization. CIPSRT-ICRTSP. https://www.cipsrt-icrtsp.ca/en/glossary/vicarious-traumatization   

Garmezy, L. (2020). Swimming Upstream: The First Responder’s Marriage. In C. A. Bowers, & M. R. Marks (Eds.), Mental health intervention and treatment of first responders and emergency workers (pp. 16-31). Medical Information Science Reference/IGI Global. https://doi.org/10.4018/978-1-5225-9803-9.ch002  

Kim, J., Chesworth, B., Franchino-Olsen, H., & Macy, R. J. (2022). A scoping review of vicarious trauma interventions for service providers working with people who have experienced traumatic events. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(5), 1437-1460. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838021991310  

Yassen, J. (1995). Preventing secondary traumatic stress disorder. In C.R. Figley (Ed.). Compassion fatigue: Coping with secondary traumatic stress disorder in those who treat the traumatized (1st ed.). (pp. 165-189). New York: Brunner Mazel. 

Resource Categories
Strategies for Families Strategies for Couples

Skill Building:

 

Effective communication is key to healthy relationships and can help couples navigate challenges together. Being able to express thoughts and feelings, as well as effectively listen, are some of the most important skills that couples can build.

What can you do to improve communication within your relationship?

Things to consider…
  • Trying to understand your communication style and strengths, as well as areas that you would like to work on.
  • Asking a friend what they think your communication strengths and areas to grow are.
  • Thinking about, and figuring out, the best times to have important conversations.
Do you want to know more about this?
Below you will find information to help improve communication. Click on the following 5 flip cards for some practical tips and skills.

Skill Building:

Exploring Communication Styles

(Adapted from “The Communication Styles Inventory (CSI): A Six-Dimensional Behavioral Model of Communication Styles and Its Relation With Personality” by R. E. de Vries, A. Bakker-Pieper, F. E. Konings, & B. Schouten, 2011, Communication Research, 40(4), 506-532.)

Download: Exploring Communication Styles

Planned conversation time
  • Together, set aside time when both of you are at home this week for a planned conversation.
  • Choose a time and a place where you would like to have the conversation (e.g., at a comfortable spot in your home/yard, during a walk together).
  • This is a scheduled opportunity to practice your speaking and listening skills and enjoy some couple time together.
  • Consider setting aside time for a planned conversation each week for the next month.
  • Following one month, reflect on your experience with planned conversation time.

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Check out our self-directed Spouse or Significant Other Wellbeing Course.

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References for this page (click to expand)

Corcoran, J. (2005). Building strengths and skills: A collaborative approach to working with clients. Oxford University Press.   

Dattilio, F. M. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians. The Guilford Press.   

de Vries, R. E., Bakker-Pieper, A., Konings, F. E., & Schouten, B. (2011). The communication styles inventory (CSI): A six-dimensional behavioral model of communication styles and its relation with personality. Communication Research, 40(4), 506-532. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650211413571  

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Strategies for Families Strategies for Couples

Skill Building:

Note: It is not recommended that this strategy be used for trauma without the guidance of a qualified mental health professional.  

 

Things to consider…
  • Expressing gratitude to a family member or friend. 
  • Thinking of opportunities instead of hassles when reflecting on an event or situation.
  • Answering the following questions: 
    • What can I learn from this experience?
    • Is this situation allowing me to gain new knowledge or practice a new skill?
    • Could this be an opportunity to strengthen a relationship?1
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Gratitude has been associated with strengthening personal relationships. Algoe and colleagues2 describe a find-remind-bind theory of gratitude. Expressing gratitude can find or initiate a new social relationship, remind people of existing relationships, and bind or strengthen relationships. Feeling and expressing gratitude plays an important role in maintaining relationships by promoting trust and lowering hostility. 

  • FIND new relationships 
  • REMIND existing relationships 
  • BIND strengthen relationships
Reflection

How do you notice and appreciate the positive aspects of life? How do you express your gratitude for something or someone?

Skill Building:

Gratitude Journal

For the next four weeks, you and your partner commit to taking a few moments each day to write what you are grateful for in a journal or notebook. If possible, try to set a particular time each day (e.g., before you go to bed) to help make this exercise part of your routine. When writing about gratitude, consider:

  • People in your life that you are grateful for 
  • Things you are grateful for that you take for granted 
  • Experiences that bring about feelings of gratitude

After four weeks, reflect on your experience. Has it been helpful? Sharing your gratitude journal with your partner and other family members can also be beneficial. You may want to create a couple or family gratitude journal so you can check-in, express appreciation, and inspire each other with positive thoughts. 

Practice Positive Reframing

Below is a list of situations that are often viewed as neutral or negative. Together, discuss each situation and fill in new, more positive ways to perceive each situation. Take turns and see how many “reframes” you can come up with for each situation. Next, you will have a chance to add your own situations that you can consider together.  

 

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1Lambert, L. M., Graham, S. M., & Stillman, T. F. (2009). A changed perspective: How gratitude can affect sense of coherence through positive reframing. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(6): 461–470). https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1080/17439760903157182

2Algoe, S. B., Haidt, J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Beyond reciprocity: Gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion, 8(3), 425–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.8.3.425

Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., & Stillman, T. F. (2012). Gratitude and depressive symptoms: The role of positive reframing and positive emotion. Cognition & Emotion, 26(4), 615-633. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2011.595393

Wood, A. M., Froh, J. J., & Geraghty, A. W. A. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: A review and theoretical integration. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 890–905. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.005