Couple Time
Topics: Couples
Sometimes it can be tough to maintain couple time with busy schedules and the demands of work and household responsibilities. Prioritizing time together is important for maintaining a positive relationship and quality of life. Although life is busy, both time to yourself and as a couple is important. Research with PSP families has found that maintaining couple time can be difficult due to shiftwork,1,2 but maintaining weekly time to be together as a couple strengthens relationships.3
Do you want to know more about this?
Focusing on the quality of time spent together can be helpful. One way to do this is to pay full attention to each other during couple time. Try having your together time in a quiet and/or comfortable environment with limited distractions. You might want to dim the lights and share special food or drinks that you both enjoy. Limiting distractions can enhance intimacy. Be mindful to stay in the present moment and focus on each other. Minimize cell phone use/texting during this time. Constant texting can take focus away from your partner and have a negative impact on intimacy and your romantic relationship.
Intentionally creating positive interactions with each other is another way to enhance time spent together. This can include giving compliments, accommodating each other’s wishes, being cheerful, and/or using humour.
Skill building:
Creating Small moments together
Take a moment to each write down 5 small things that you enjoy doing with your partner (either on a scrap of paper or take turns using the fillable form below). Don’t show your partner your list quite yet! Your list can include any activity that brings feelings of joy, intimacy, connection, or appreciation. Consider the day-to-day moments that are meaningful to you as a couple. They can be sharing a hug or kiss every day before work or bedtime, having a cup of coffee together, sharing a special meal or drink, going for a walk, talking about your day, etc.
After you have both completed your lists, exchange them. Review your partner’s list and choose one thing that you each would like to commit to doing for one week.
After one week of doing these activities, reflect on the following together:
- What was it like prioritizing these moments together over the past week?
- What did you learn?
- How did you feel during those moments together?
- Were there any barriers to making these moments happen?
- Going forward, how can you continue with these moments together?
Over time, these small moments can become habits that strengthen relationships. Continue to check in with each other at the end of each week to ensure that you prioritize this time together, talk about how things are going, and adjust as needed. Creating small moments doesn’t take much time but it does take effort to develop new habits. It is important for both partners to commit to “small moments” to reap the benefits.
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References for this page (click to expand)
1Roth, S.G., & Moore, C. D. (2009). Work-family fit: The impact of emergency medical services work on the family system. Prehospital Emergency Care, 13(4), 462-468. https://doi.org/10.1080/10903120903144791
2Bochantin, J. E. (2016). “Morning fog, spider webs, and escaping from Alcatraz”: Examining metaphors used by public safety employees and their families to help understand the relationship between work and family. Communication Monographs, 83(2), 214-238. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2015.1073853
3Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.
Halpern, D., & Katz, J. E. (2017). Texting’s consequences for romantic relationships: A cross-lagged analysis highlights its risks. Computers in Human Behavior, 71, 386–394. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.01.051
Linnet, J. T. (2011). Money can’t buy me hygge: Danish middle-class consumption, egalitarianism, and the sanctity of inner space. Social Analysis, 55(2), 21–44. https://doi.org/10.3167/sa.2011.550202
The Gottman Institute. (2022). How to turn your relationship goals into habits. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/podcast/
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Communicating Feelings
Topics: Couples
It is important that partners find ways to express their feelings to each other. This can be more challenging for some than others. The ability to recognize emotions and put words to them is important. Openly expressing feelings is vital for a healthy relationship.
Things to consider…
- Listening, showing empathy, and actively trying to understand each other’s feelings.
- Taking responsibility for your own feelings by saying “I feel” or “I’m feeling” instead of “you make me feel”, which puts the responsibility on the other person.
- If emotions are connected to someone else’s behaviour, referring to what was specifically said or done (instead of making it personal). For example,
- If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
“I feel frustrated (feeling) when you leave dirty dishes out (behaviour), because I think you don’t respect the work I just did (interpretation).”
- If your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen after you have cleaned it, instead of saying, “you’re so inconsiderate!” try saying,
Labelling emotions
Being aware of our feelings is an important first step in communicating how we feel. Labelling emotions may seem straightforward but can be challenging at times. Finding the right words can help us better understand our emotional experience and help communicate with others.
Sometimes feelings can be complex, and the feeling we immediately identify with and express may be made up of other underlying feelings (e.g., expressing anger when we are scared, hurt, or jealous). Also, we can experience more than one feeling at the same time.
The Feeling Wheel is a tool that can be used to describe feelings in a more detailed and accurate way. It includes six core emotions in the center of the wheel. More detailed emotions related to the core emotions are listed in the middle and outer circles. It does not include all possible feelings, so feel free to make note of any additional feeling words you may want to use.
Give it a try:
- Right now, or the next time you’re together as a couple, take a moment to practice focusing your attention on how you are feeling and label the emotion(s).
- Use The Feeling Wheel to help pinpoint the word that best fits how you are feeling.
- Do this exercise several times over the next few days. Print a copy of The Feeling Wheel or save the image on your phone, so that you will have it handy.
Was labelling your emotions easier or more difficult than you first expected? What did you both learn by practicing the skills of recognizing and labelling emotions?
G. Willcox. The Feeling Wheel. Used with permission from The Gottman Institute.
sharing and listening exercise
Both sharing feelings and “just listening” can be surprisingly difficult. To practice both sets of skills, try the following: 
- Set aside a designated amount of time together each week (e.g., 30-60 minutes) to listen to one another.
- For half the time:
- One person shares how they have been feeling throughout the week (remember to focus on your feelings about what’s been happening).
- The other person listens without offering advice or opinions (remember to use active listening skills)
- At the halfway mark, switch roles.
- After the allotted time, discuss the following:
- How did each of you experience being the speaker? Was it easy or challenging to focus on feelings when sharing?
- How did each of you find being the listener? Was it easy or challenging to actively listen without interrupting?
- What was it like to have each other’s undivided attention when sharing feelings?
Exercise adapted from: “Dealing with Feelings” chapter in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook [7th ed.], by Edmund Bourne, Ph.D.
References for this page (click to expand)
Bourne, E. J. (2020). The anxiety and phobia workbook (7th ed). New Harbinger Publications.
Wilcox, G. (2020). The Feeling Wheel. Positive Psychology Practitioner’s Toolkit. https://www.gnyha.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/The-Feeling-Wheel-Positive-Psycology-Program.pdf
Willcox, G. (1982). The feeling wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274-276. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215378201200411
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Managing Worries About Risk
Topics: Couples
Everybody worries at times. PSP family members may worry about the risks and dangers associated with PSP work. This is understandable. Worries can be helpful, as they can urge preparation and planning for challenging events. However, worries become a problem when they happen a lot, make it hard to focus on other things, and feel like they “spiral” out of control.
Families may find that seeing or hearing certain things increases their worries. This could include hearing about traumatic events on the news, social media, movies or TV, or through conversations. Identifying what increases worries and focusing on not adding “fuel” to these worries can be helpful. It can also be useful to talk as a family about these concerns. Family talks are a chance for PSP family members to share accurate and reliable information about the job. Having these important talks not only reduces worries but also strengthens mutual support for families.
Things to consider…
- Paying attention to what increases worries. These are often issues related to the risks associated with PSP work.
- Discussing together what increases worries or family tension.
- Cutting back on (or cutting out) media that increases worries (e.g., turning off the news, putting phones away).
- Practicing what you can say or not participating in conversations that increase worry (e.g., “I actually don’t want to hear about this.”)
Skill building:
References for this page (click to expand)
Sharp, M.-L., Solomon, N., Harrison, V., Gribble, R., Cramm, H., Pike, G., & Fear, N. T. (2022). The mental health and wellbeing of spouses, partners and children of emergency responders: A systematic review. Plos One, 17(6), e0269659. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269659
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Improving Sleep
Topics: Couples
Even though sometimes it can feel impossible to get enough sleep, research shows that adequate sleep is essential to physical and mental health. Lack of sleep is associated with fatigue, mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, irritability), and negative health outcomes. Sleep issues can impact the couple relationship, as one partner’s sleep problem can negatively affect the other partner. Research suggests that sleep difficulties and relationship difficulties often occur together.
Things to consider…
- Learning about sleep to generate ideas about how to improve sleep.
- Prioritizing sleep by cutting out screen-based activities before bed (e.g., watching TV, time on computer/phone) that get in the way of sleep as much as possible.
- Establishing a consistent pre-sleep routine (this could include relaxing stretches, putting pajamas on, brushing teeth, etc.), which can cue the mind that it is time for sleep.
- Consulting with a qualified health care provider if you are experiencing persistent or significant problems with sleep.
REFLECTION
Skill building:
Tips for better sleep
The following exercise is designed to help both partners identify good sleep habits and areas for improvement. Being aware of habits that benefit (or interfere with) sleep is an important step in supporting better sleep.
This exercise can be done individually or together. If completing this together, each of you can take a turn answering the questions on the slides below and discuss afterward. Sleep information and tips will be provided. (Note: some of the information and tips may need to be adjusted for those who work shift work.)
Below, there are 17 questions about your sleep habits. Answer the question on each slide by clicking either “yes” or “no” or skip a slide that is not applicable to you by pressing the right arrow at the bottom of the slide. Suggestions will appear regarding the benefits of certain habits, however, there are no right or wrong answers. Some suggestions may not be practical depending on your circumstances.
At the end of the activity, a summary is provided with your answers. You can print this summary by clicking on the print icon 
located on the bottom of the activity. Think about the questions that you answered “no” to, is there anything that you can change to improve your sleep habits? You can use the summary to set goals.
References for this page (click to expand)
1Hirshkowitz, M., Whiton, K., Albert, S. M., Alessi, C., Bruni, O., DonCarlos, L., Hazen, N., Herman, J., Katz, E. S., Kheirandish-Gozal, L., Neubauer, D. N., O’Donnell, A. E., Ohayon, M., Peever, J., Rawding, R., Sachdeva, R. C., Setters, B., Vitiello, M. V., Ware, J. C., & Adams Hillard, P. J. (2015). National Sleep Foundation’s sleep time duration recommendations: Methodology and results summary. Sleep health, 1(1), 40–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2014.12.010
Bootzin, R. R., & Epstein, D. R. (2011). Understanding and treating insomnia. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 7, 435-458. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.3.022806.091516
Dumont, M. (2019). Coping better with night work: Interactive web tutorial. http://formations.ceams-carsm.ca/night_work/
Lammers-van der Holst, H. M., Murphy, A. S., Wise, J. (2020). Sleep tips for shift workers in the time of pandemic. Southwest Journal of Pulmonary and Critical Care, 20(4), 128-130. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7189699/
Luyster, F. S., Strollo, P. J., Jr., Zee, P. C., & Walsh, J. K. (2012). Sleep: A health imperative. Sleep, 35(6), 727-734. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.1846
National Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from www.thensf.org
Richter, K., Adam, S., Geiss, L., Peter, L., & Niklewski, G. (2016). Two in a bed: The influence of couple sleeping and chronotypes on relationship and sleep. An overview. Chronobiology International, 33(10), 1464-1472. https://doi.org/10.1080/07420528.2016.1220388
Silberman, S. A. (2008). The insomnia workbook: A comprehensive guide to getting the sleep you need. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Sleep Foundation. Retrieved from: www.sleepfoundation.org
The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (2021). Napping, an important fatigue countermeasure. CDC Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/emres/longhourstraining/napping.html
Troxel W. M. (2010). It’s more than sex: Exploring the dyadic nature of sleep and implications for health. Psychosomatic Medicine, 72(6), 578–586. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181de7ff8
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Problem Solving Together
Topics: Couples
When concerns arise, it can help to ask, “Is there a problem that can be solved here?” If the answer is “yes,” problem solving can help to define the specific problem that you would like to tackle, come up with possible solutions, and make a plan.
Things to consider…
Working through a problem using the problem-solving steps below:
To start, practice these steps with simple everyday issues, then try these skills with more challenging problems.
Skill building:
Date night planning
Planning date nights can be challenging, particularly for PSP couples with nonstandard schedules. The upside is that it can be a great way to practice problem-solving skills and also enjoy some couple time!
To give it a try, make a commitment together to plan a date night (or date morning/afternoon) at least once a week for the next month. The dates do not have to be big outings – at-home dates count too – so start with plans that are easier for you to make work. To begin, try the following:
- Designate a time when you can plan the dates together
- Have your calendars/schedules handy
- As you begin to plan, make note of any problems that arise (e.g., conflicting schedules, childcare, fatigue, finances, etc.)
- Focus on one problem at a time and work through the problem-solving steps together
After you have successfully negotiated your weekly date, take time to reflect on your experience problem solving together:
- What did you find helpful?
- What challenges came up when working through this process?
- What did you learn?
After one month, how did you do? You may want to continue scheduling date nights or come up with other ways to spend quality time together. Taking opportunities to practice problem solving as a couple is a way to improve these skills and strengthen your relationship.
References for this page (click to expand)
Dattilio, F. M. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral therapy with couples and families: A comprehensive guide for clinicians. The Guilford Press.
Dattilio, F. M. & van Hout, G. C. M. (2006). The problem-solving component in cognitive-behavioral couples’ therapy. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 17(1), 1-19. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1300/J085v17n01_01
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Gratitude and Positive Reframing
Topics: Couples
Research has found that gratitude is related to psychological wellbeing and positive social relationships. Gratitude can also prompt the use of positive reframing to recognize positive outcomes when they are present. Being grateful does not mean that you ignore problems or pretend things are better than they are. It is really about giving attention to things that are going well and responding to situations in the best way you can.
Note: It is not recommended that this strategy be used for trauma without the guidance of a qualified mental health professional.
Things to consider…
- Expressing gratitude to a family member or friend.
- Thinking of opportunities instead of hassles when reflecting on an event or situation.
- Answering the following questions:
- What can I learn from this experience?
-
Is this situation allowing me to gain new knowledge or practice a new skill?
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Could this be an opportunity to strengthen a relationship?1
skill building:
Gratitude Journal
For the next four weeks, you and your partner commit to taking a few moments each day to write what you are grateful for in a journal or notebook. If possible, try to set a particular time each day (e.g., before you go to bed) to help make this exercise part of your routine. When writing about gratitude, consider:
- People in your life that you are grateful for
- Things you are grateful for that you take for granted
- Experiences that bring about feelings of gratitude
After four weeks, reflect on your experience. Has it been helpful? Sharing your gratitude journal with your partner and other family members can also be beneficial. You may want to create a couple or family gratitude journal so you can check-in, express appreciation, and inspire each other with positive thoughts.
References for this page (click to expand)
1Lambert, L. M., Graham, S. M., & Stillman, T. F. (2009). A changed perspective: How gratitude can affect sense of coherence through positive reframing. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(6): 461–470). https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1080/17439760903157182
2Algoe, S. B., Haidt, J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Beyond reciprocity: Gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion, 8(3), 425–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.8.3.425
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., & Stillman, T. F. (2012). Gratitude and depressive symptoms: The role of positive reframing and positive emotion. Cognition & Emotion, 26(4), 615-633. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2011.595393
Wood, A. M., Froh, J. J., & Geraghty, A. W. A. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: A review and theoretical integration. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 890–905. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.005