Coparenting in PSP Families

Good coparenting skills are essential when one or more parents work nonstandard hours and tag-team parenting is adopted. These skills include communication (Speaking and Listening Skills), problem solving (Problem Solving Together), and understanding and sharing parenting roles (Childcare). The following exercise may help you reflect on your coparenting skills and discuss with your partner(s) what each of you do well and areas for improvement. 

In each of these coparent/child(ren) scenarios, think about how you have handled or how you might handle these types of situations, then check the next slide for a possible resolution. There are different ways to manage these situations – focus on what will bring about positive outcomes for the child(ren) and the entire family.   

Open-ended questions or prompts tend to lead to more elaborate responses (not just a yes or no). These questions or statements can begin with how, why, who, what, where, when, or tell me about. Participate in the activity below to see if you can identify open-ended questions.

Using a variety of open-ended questions (or prompts), and waiting for a response, can take practice. During your next one-on-one conversation with your child or teen, try the following:    

DOWNLOAD: Tips to Open-ended Questions

Afterward, consider the following: What was it like intentionally using open-ended questions with your child? What did you learn?  

Once you have practiced using open-ended questions about everyday situations, begin asking open-ended questions related to PSP work or the lifestyle. The more you practice, the easier the skills of asking open-ended questions and listening will become. This can make it easier to initiate conversations about concerns or difficult topics, when needed.   

Reading books or articles can be a great way to share information about PSP work and start conversations with your child or teen. For older children and teens, you may wish to share an age-appropriate article, blog post, or video on a PSP-related topic to provide information and start discussions. For example, you could share a newspaper article and say, “I read this article and was curious about your thoughts on this…” and follow up with an open-ended “What did you think?” 

For young children, try the following: 

• Find a PSP-related book that is a good fit to your child’s age/development. 
• Read the book together when everyone has the time to read slowly and chat. 
• When reading, point out what’s happing in the story and ask basic questions (e.g., “Do you know what her job is?”, “Do you know what a ______ does?”) or open-ended questions (e.g., “Why is Sam feeling scared?”).  
• Feel free to pause during the story for discussions.  
• When you are done reading, encourage your child to ask questions and share their thoughts and feelings about the story.  

After your shared reading time, reflect on this experience as a family. What was it like to read about the PSP role together? Are there other things you would like to learn about or talk about together? 

Below are examples of children’s books about PSP:  

• A Hero Lives in My Family: A Story for Kids of First Responders 
  by Dr. Susan Hunt   
• The Wolf was Not Sleeping
  by Avril McDonald (Canadian Edition available)
  • You can watch a video of this story here: https://www.feelbrave.com/ 

Family calendars are a key tool for coordinating family plans and activities. Take time together to consider the calendars that everyone in your household uses. Answering the following questions will get you thinking about how useful (or not) these calendars are and how to make them better.

• What type of calendars does your family use (e.g., wall calendar, notebook/planner, digital/online calendar)?
• How many calendars do you have altogether?
• Where are they?
• Are the calendars shared or does everyone keep their own?
• What’s included on your calendar (e.g., work and school activities, extra-curricular activities, holidays and birthdays, other information)?
• Is there a central family calendar (e.g., on the fridge) or synchronized family calendar (online) that everyone in the household has access to?
  • If so, who is responsible for keeping the calendar up to date?
  • What information is recorded on this calendar?
  • Are symbols, stickers, or highlighting used to abbreviate or allow for quick glances?

Sometimes you can make order out of chaos. Keeping a central calendar for everyone in the household is a starting point. When unexpected changes occur, adjustments will be needed. Last minute changes can be challenging but are usually temporary and the family calendar can help everyone get back on track. You may even want to add back-up plans to your calendar, so these changes are less disruptive.

Let’s see how a PSP couple, Alejandro and Sofia, manage their busy schedule.

Click to visit a room, or click on the “” for more information.

Families who live together in the same house spend time together, but it may not always feel like quality time. When family members make a choice to do things together, this creates an opportunity to build mutual trust and commitment. Consider the following exercise to connect and strengthen family relationships and demonstrate the importance of family.

This is a list of several types of activities (for couples or families with children). Each family member checks the type of activities they want to do more of in the next 6 months. Look for matches. Two or more family members must be involved in the activity and make a commitment to participate. Each family member commits to participating in one activity and can participate in more than one activity. Family members work together to determine what the activity will be, when, and how it will be done.

Start small and aim for success! Consider the time and resources that you have to commit to the activity that you choose. Making a special dessert might be more achievable than preparing a four-course meal, though that might be your end goal. Keep in mind the time that is needed for preparation before you actually start the activity (e.g., deciding on games you want to play, buying the games, understanding instructions).

Download: Planning leisure time

• Play the Family Values Drag and Drop below. Each word represents a family value. Sort the piles of words according to what is “Very Important”, “Important”, or “Less Important” to your family. If values that are most important to your family are not listed, you will have a chance to add them when you pick your “TOP 15.”

• Once you have sorted all of the piles, consider all the words in the “Very Important” column. Your next step is to decide what your “TOP 15” family values are.
  

• The final task is to select your 5 most important family values from the “TOP 15.” These will represent your core family values. Reflect on the importance of these values for your family. What do you do to demonstrate these values? How do these values guide you when you are faced with challenges?

Negative messages from the community and social media can be hurtful. Both adults and children in PSP families can be targeted. When this happens, open communication can reduce the negative effects. Families who share core values may be less impacted by misinformation. For example, a family who values “gratitude” can focus on the positive feedback they get from their community rather than negative messages. A shared commitment and understanding can help take the sting out of public criticism.

Social media is how many people stay connected to friends and events happening around the world. It is a popular and useful mode of communication for all ages. No one wants to toss away their phone or shut down the internet but, like many things in life, moderation is key. There is some evidence that overuse of social media is linked to poorer mental health generally and PSP families have additional concerns. Misinformation about PSP can start a chain of negative social media posts that are disturbing. There is also a risk of seeing images of events that a PSP family member is responding to which heightens worry. It is unlikely that we are going to put a stop to misinformation and videos that go viral but changing social media habits can reduce your exposure.

The following checklist items are suggestions for anyone trying to limit online activity, but they may be of particular interest to PSP families who are targeted by or sensitive to certain social media content.

Begin by answering the following reflection questions in the space provided and then use the checklist to assess what you are currently doing to limit your exposure to social media and things you might want to try. You will have an opportunity to download and print your list to share with other family members.

A planned meeting as a couple/family can be an effective way to connect and make plans. You can use this time to discuss the division of household responsibilities and renegotiate if needed (see Household Tasks List below). It can also be a time to check in regarding how everyone is doing/feeling. You can make upcoming family plans, show appreciation to one another, or share exciting news or concerns. Family meetings are also opportunities to practice speaking and listening skills.

To have meetings that suit your family’s unique needs, consider the following: 

• Scheduling meetings ahead of time (e.g., weekly, biweekly, monthly). 
• Allowing any member to call an additional meeting on short notice if needed. 
• Agreeing on what a person needs to do to call a meeting. 
• Having a back-up plan if someone cannot attend (e.g., called into work). 
• Including something fun in each meeting (e.g., game, treat, music). 
• Checking in at the start of each meeting to find out what members want to address.  
• Discussing the process for family problem solving and decision making.  
• Keeping notes from the meetings so you can track family goals.  
• Including moments to express appreciation and gratitude.  

Once you have decided on the frequency of meetings and considered everyone’s availability, schedule your meetings and make a commitment to attend. After each meeting, talk about what went well and potential changes for upcoming meetings.  

Together, make a list of all your household tasks (e.g., housework, preparing meals, vehicle maintenance, children’s activities, appointments, managing finances, etc.). Note the specific responsibilities within each area, how long it typically takes to complete the task, and how often the task needs to be completed. The purpose of this exercise is to work toward dividing household tasks in a way that is a good fit for your family and your current situation. This is a chance to review the division of labour within your family to see if anything needs to shift or change. 

When creating your list together, discuss: 

• If there are household tasks you enjoy doing or prefer. 
• Which tasks are a priority, and which can wait. 
• Which tasks are daily, weekly, monthly, or seasonal. 
• How “well” a task should be done to be considered complete. 
• Who is currently doing each task. 
• Which tasks might be appropriate for small children.
• How teens can contribute to some of the more challenging household tasks.

Here is an example of household tasks to consider:

Below is a template for creating a Household Tasks List. You may want to create a customized list and display it where it can be viewed by the whole family. Use the download button to save and print your list.

DOWNLOAD: Household Tasks List

DOWNLOAD: Childcare Support List

The following 4 scenarios are situations that PSP families with young children may find themselves in. A solution is described that takes into account the wellbeing of each parent and children and build on their decision-making skills. You will be able to reflect on each scenario and save or print your answers by exporting the text at the end of the skill building exercise.

*Sometimes low mood, depression, worry, and/or anxiety can make it difficult to ask for help from others. The SSO Wellbeing Course can be a valuable resource to work through emotions related to asking for help.

Together, discuss the following questions:

• What are the transition times in our family?
• What can we do together to make transitions smoother?
• How can we share our feelings and needs on the days when we need more time before re-engaging with family?
• How can we negotiate transition times on challenging days (including setting an end point to the transition time)?
• How can we support one another during this time?

It can be helpful to communicate your level of distress during transition times. The following steps outline skills that allow for effective communication and planning:

• Awareness:

Take a moment to focus on how you are feeling during transition times.

For example: Is there tension in your body? Are you able to focus? How reactive are you? etc.

• Communication:

Some people find it helpful to communicate by rating the level of distress on a scale of 1 (no distress) to 10 (very high distress). Others come up with a brief way to communicate a high level of distress.

For example: Saying, “I’ve had a bad shift, I’m going to come home and give you a hug, but then I’m going to need some time alone to unwind.”

• Planning Ahead:

Together, negotiate a plan for what transition times will look like when a high level of distress has been communicated.

For example: A PSP family member or SSO might put an object on the kitchen table (upside down coffee cup) as a non-verbal cue that the day has been difficult, and they need some time to recover (e.g., put the headphones on and listen to music or go for a run).

Once you have assessed your situation and needs, it is time to make some decisions about what you want to do. Talk about how you feel about making these plans and consider the benefits of planning ahead. Then make some practical decisions about what items you want to address and how this will get done.