Managing Conflict
Topics: Couples
Skill building:
- Exploring Conflict Resolution Styles
- Conflict Considerations and Planning Ahead
- Reflecting on Repair Attempts
Disagreement and conflict are normal parts of an intimate relationship and learning to resolve conflict in respectful and constructive ways is important for maintaining a healthy relationship. Effective communication is key to managing conflict and allows couples to stay focused on resolving the issue at hand.
NOTE:
If conflict resolution is a significant challenge in your relationship or if conflict escalation is a concern, please contact an appropriate support service. The Government of Canada provides a list of resources related to family violence and crisis services at the following link.
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html
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Sometimes conflict can become negative and unproductive. Even happy couples will experience conflict where they say things they don’t mean, yell at one another, or shut down. Together, it is essential to figure out ways to effectively “repair” when needed, which means getting things back on track if a conflict is heading in a negative direction.
Using repair strategies that attempt to increase emotional closeness tend to be most helpful, which can include the following: 1,2
- vulnerability and self-disclosure (e.g., “I feel…”)
- agreeing (e.g., “I agree that …”, “What you’re saying makes sense to me”)
- taking responsibility (e.g., “My part in this is…”)
- reassurance (e.g., “We’ll figure this out”, “I love you”)
- shared humour (e.g., an inside joke you both find funny)
- affection (e.g., “I appreciate/admire that you…”)
- apologizing (“I’m sorry”, “Let me say that in a gentler way”)
- interrupting an escalation (“Let’s start again”, “I need a minute”)
A foundation of friendship and respect is key. Taking the time to build and maintain a close, loving relationship helps with effectively managing conflict when it arises.
Exploring conflict resolution styles
There are different ways to understand and define conflict resolution styles. Kurdek3 outlined four conflict resolution styles that individuals use when managing disagreement within their relationship. Click on the 
icons below to view examples of each conflict style:
Consider these four conflict resolution styles outlined above and discuss the following:
- Do you both identify with one (or more) of these styles? If so, which one(s)? If not, how would you describe your conflict resolution styles?
- How do your conflict resolution styles impact your ability to solve a problem? How do they impact your relationship?
- Are there times when you shift between conflict resolution styles? Are there times when you use different approaches?
The next skill building exercise focuses on making a plan to work toward more productive conflict resolution. Keep in mind your individual conflict resolution style(s) when doing the exercise.
Conflict Considerations and planning ahead
References for this page (click to expand)
Benson, K. (2022). Repair is the secret weapon of emotionally connected couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/
1Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.
2Gottman, J. M., Driver, J., & Tabares, A. (2015). Repair during marital conflict in newlyweds: How couples move from attack–defend to collaboration. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(2), 85-108. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1038962
3Kurdek‚ L. A. (1994). Conflict resolution styles in gay‚ lesbian‚ heterosexual nonparent‚ and heterosexual parent couples. Journal of Marriage and Family‚ 56(3)‚ 705-722. https://doi.org/10.2307/352880
Kurdek, L. A. (1995). Predicting change in marital satisfaction from husbands’ and wives’ conflict resolution styles. Journal of Marriage and Family, 57(1), 153-164. https://doi.org/10.2307/353824
The Gottman Institute. (2022). Homework assignment: Repair attempts. https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-repair-attempts-2/